Had a moral conflict over whether to give Raegi’s Steward a couple items that were inappropriately borrowed from the library at the school. Eventually they were handed over.
Hit Level 3.
Concisely put, that is what happened. I recognize the utility of recapitulating the events; however, I find it I immensely effective to condense them into what I learned and how I felt. No one has ever accused me of brevity. For the sake of the reader fortunate enough to read this entry, I now make my first foray into this illicit practice. Here is what I learned.
First, my thoughts drifted back to the day we met Raegi. His mercifulness perplexed and fascinating me. It was a concept utterly foreign to me. Why heal a thug who on his last breath before slumping to the ground was bent upon killing you? My first thought is not mercy but vengeance, hit back 10x harder, humiliate him and make an example of him. Pull a dagger on me my reaction is “how can I twist his hand so that he cuts off his genitally? Then I firmly insert it his rectum and follow up with a witty one-liner such as “pulling a dagger on me is a good way to fck yourself.” Since this concept was so alien to me and since this journey is all about inner reflection and learning about myself, I need to sustain an open mind. A gremlin served as the 1st experiment. Somewhere in the woods, we were attacked by some gremlins and goblin-like creatures. I peered into its eyes teasing feral instinct from its sentient self – seeking to empathize. What did it really want? Coins, just a few coins. I gave it some and it fled happy to leave with its life. It was the winner of that encounter. Just ask its friends. I too was happy at the outcome. Why did I think of this encounter? I used it as fuel for my vengeful streak runs deep yet bubbles to the surface with ease. Perhaps I am too “flighty” and perhaps I came across wrong but when I compare Vaessen to the gremlin, aside from the uncanny physical resemblance, the latter possesses superior poise and restraint. We all know how Vaessen pines after The Girl in the White Dress. He recounted his latest “encounter” with her with the typical painful eyes and a voice struggling to stem desire. No one likes to see a friend in such hysteria so I offered a few words of encouragement and suggested he talk to her or ask Cyrus about her. For this I was stabbed, in public in front of everyone. We exchanged one spell for 2 stabs and I left wounded. Granted a day prior I welcomed and openly encouraged him to stab me but only in the context of demonstrating our new abilities—experiential learning. Perhaps it is just a control issue… Plots of vengeance stirred. “you want to mess with someone who deems it his job to keep you on your feet, to heal you in battle? Fine, when you next crawl to me with puss dripping from your gaping wounds, I will make you beg for healing. Perhaps when you are but an inch away from death’s door and your visage contorts from mercy to despair will I heal you. That is your place.” These thoughts over my own friend. sigh. maybe I lead a lonely life cloistered with musty libraries as company and throw around the label friend too loosely. Maybe we are merely business partners bound together to round out a unique skill set needed to make ends meet. Perhaps I will talk to Vaessen. I would want to but I shy away from difficult conversations—I wish I didn’t and like to think of myself as a good communiator but I am being honest. This situation will likely ferment in the back of my mind, increasing in potency until he hobbles back to me bleeding and seeking healing. I’ll be paralyzed, digging deep for forgiveness, trying to conjure the gremlin encounter all before an enemy sinks a death knell into his back. That is what I learned today. The night grows old and my candle is but ghostly light surrounded by a waxy caldera. My knife is clean and I have magical reserves to be depleted. I shall ponder why the 5 mages went insane whilst I again try cast spells upon myself.